Solstice.

Been struggling for awhile now, on decideing what kind of art I wanted for my walls. I thought maybe I wanted floral prints or dried flowers or something along thouse lines, but they are fairly hard to find, and for me to do it correct I think I need a good press, which is money I don't have. Besides, It didn't quite express 'me' as I felt I should be expressed. Today I opened my christmas gifts.. as it is Solstice and all, and I got a giant book on artist anatomy. It's all the gourgouse soft sketchwork of half finished figures. I think photocopies of some of this art is what I should use. I always find nice frames in thrift stores but never art that I like so it shouldn't be too hard to frame it.

I'm also pretty excited becouse I have a love interest again, and although my hair needs a trim and a colour badly I'm mastering the vintage styles that I love so much and the eyeliner that I used to struggle so hard to get right is really quite simple now that I've got enough pratice. I expect the pin curls will eventually become easy as well.

Now that I really have a sense of what I like and don't like i'm finding everything is starting to fall into place. I have some really preciouse decorative tins, floral and faux fur pillow cases, and with a few good pays under my belt, I should even have a very cute fishy tank for my frog who Is very happy with his warm water.

Tarrot

Last weeks reading was so horrible I didn't even want to post it. Most of it was accurate though so lets hope this next one is as well.

1) Currnet: 8 of coins - Honoest labour. Making money the hard way, but in no great quantity. (Tim Hortons much?)

2) Past: Ace of Coins - Money and wealth. financial gain. a project that will pay off in a big way. Prosperity. A secure position within the world

3)Future: 8 of Swords (inverted) - Trechery from an unexpected quarter. Great Danger.

4)What I know: the Hermit (inverted) --cynicism. bitterness. loneliness. inability to live amongst others. (excatlly how I feel)

5)What I don't know: Wheel of Fortune 10 -- Good fortune. Sheer luck enters into your life. A temporary gain. An opportinity which must be ceased now before it slips through your fingers.

6) King of Staves - An intelligent and accomplished man who loves and truely apperciates culture and the good things in life. He is talented, charming and a true friend (may have red or blond hair and blue eyes. Is over 40, typically a father figure or a commanding figure. Is related to creativity and labour and possibly in a blue collar profession.)

The love workshop - Example for me.

Imprinting Negative Expectations

Ariella was a striking and tastefully dressed woman in her late 30’[s who came to me because she was, as she described herself “cursed” when it came to relationships. When I suggested to Ariella that perhaps she was unconsciously manifesting her situations, she balked and waved my suggestion away. She insisted that her circumstances were a result of bad luck, so I sat back and asked her to tell me her story.

Ariella rarely dated, and when she did it was with either unavailable or inappropriate partners. She dated married men who could only give her scraps of time, men who were much younger and immature, or men who needed care taking - chemically dependent, in need of mothering, or trapped in emotional adolescence. Ariella relayed her tales of woe, complaining that fate did not want her to be happy or to find that special someone to love. She ended by declaring, “I guess I’ll just be alone forever.”

I asked Ariella some basic questions about herself, and almost immediately some core truths began to emerge. Ariella worked as a buyer for an upscale clothing boutique, a job that bored her; she stayed there because she didn’t belief she could find a better position. She admitted that for a long time she had wanted to go to design school, but she had never taken the steps to make it happen. She rushed from one obligation to another and made little time for herself. She existed on diet soda, prepackaged food, and a huge amount of coffee, she rarely engaged in any physical activity. In short, Ariella provided little to no nurturing for herself.

Ariella was surprised when I pointed out that the way she treated herself - with neglect, disrespect, and unkindness - was mirroring the way she was being treated by the men in her life. She never had to communicate how little she thought of herself; her self-concept was evident in her behavior. Her partners were simply responding to her message of how she should be treated.

The Belief-Result Cycle
I sensed that Ariella was starting to open up to this concept so I continued. I explained that our internal beliefs have two effects; First they dictate our behavior, and second, they create an expectation in our own minds of how we deserve to be treated. Our behavior projects out to others, becoming the model of how to treat us; our unconscious expectation is transmitted on a more subtle level but with no less impact. Others respond to the model we project and the expectations we transmit the result validates and reinforces our original belief.

In Ariella’s case, the cycle worked like this; Ariella had an unconscious belief about herself (I am not important). That belief dictated her behavior (I need not treat myself as special) and her expectation of how she deserved to be treated (I do not deserve or expect to be treated specially). As a result, she was not treated with respect, honor or importance; her original negative belief was validated and reinforced.

As Ariella discovered, the laws of energy and attraction are impossible to circumvent. What you believe about yourself is projected outward into the world and becomes manifested in your relationships. It has been said that when people interview others for jobs, they unconsciously drawn to those who are most like them. In the same way, when you interview for a mate, you are drawn to - and attract - those who treat you the way you treat yourself.

This essential piece of information was the key that unlocked Ariella’s pattern of self-disdain and neglect. It allowed her to see that she needed to start with herself - to develop her own feelings of love and respect for herself before she could expect others to love and respect her.

This is not an easy concept to embrace, since it means accepting responsibility for what happens to you and who you attract into your life.


I AM IMPORTANT!
I need TO treat myself as special
I deserve AND EXPECT to be treated specially

The love workshop

The List

Must Have's
1) Someone who is Intellectually stimulatating.
2) Someone who has a good sense of humour
3) Someone who has a good work ethic and is respected in their job.
4) Someone with a strong sense of integrity and core values.
5) A good lover who enjoys sex

Wish List
1) Interest in the Occult and Spirituality
2) Someone who likes to read on a variety of topics, (hopefuly science)
3) Someone with a passion for animals, and nature.
4) Someone who gets along with my friends and who my friends approve of
5) Physically larger then me with nice hair
6) Someone who wants to attend events with me and enjoys a variety of music, and attempts to have a great time whereever we may be.

Knockout Punches
1) Someone who makes fun of my ideas, or belittles my feelings
2) Someone who my family doesn't like or approve of.
3) Someone who I am not physically attracted.
4) Someone who calla in sick to work often
5) Someone heavily over weight
6) Someone with a negitive attitude, or treats others without respect.



When I concider being in a relationship, what reaction comes up?
Fear. Concerns about how long it will last, and a feeling of confinment. I dislike the idea of having to text or phone or respond to texts and phone calls all the time and account for where I've been or what I've been doing.

Am I willing to move beyond my exisiting comfort zone of emotional exploration?
Yes if the above criteria were met.

Do I want to share my time (or space, money, ect.) with someone?
Again my first words are maybe, but being honest with myself.. no not really. Having now done the questions however, I would say yes, if that person met my must haves and some of my wishlist.

Am I willing to make adjustments and concessions?
Yes

Am I prepared to make communicating a priority?
Yes

Bleak with a light at the end of the tunnel?

1. Me as I stand now - Inverted Ace of Coins - A lesser gain, a project that will not be realised to its full extent. An obession with money and material things. The complacency and boredom that accompany finacial security.

2. My recent past (last few weeks) - Inverted 13 - Stagnation. being unable to escape an unsatisfactory situation.

3. My immediate future - Five of Coins - Ruin. Poverty and struggle. Perhaps the loss of a job.

4. What I know - 8 Justice - Justice. A fair reward. Truth, Integrity. Honor. Purity.

5. What I don't know - Inverted Knight of Swords - A man too keen to rush in without thinking the matter through. A bigot. Someone who will not consider the views of others.

Optional Card
6. What (good) news is on its way. - The essence of the suit. Love and happiness overflowing. The beginning of a true love. The true heart. Abundane of happyness. A very fortunate card to draw.

Caffine

Day 2 of caffine reduction. Haveing read some disturbing facts about how caffine can cause adrenal fatigue, dark under eye circles and depression. I got to thinking about my depression and when it started. It was after I left George that the breakdown really happend.

I have no illusions that I was happy and healthy prior to that, but I think I may have felt more in control. I had never drank coffee and have never really liked soda. The first time I had coffee I drank an entire pot by myself. My bindge eating and drinking of wine happend around that time. The pain in my knees really became a factor around this time too as I had to quit tim hortons the first time.

Given all this and that yesterday I was having a great day, I didn't really want my morning coffee but the power of ritual and the fear of the headaches.. I went ahead and had a cup of coffee. I drank just over half and then everything felt like it went to shit. I was stressed, cranky, unfocused.

Today I have had half a scoup of caffinated coffee and a full scoup of decaff for my morning ritual. I'm exhusted but unstressed and there is no tightness in my chest. Aside from the exhustion I don't feel so bad.

So I've been doing Tarot readings for myself for the past 2 months, I often don't record them but I think maybe I should.. so here goes..

The Crow: The crow sees your immediate past, where you are now and your immediate future. Its wings show outside influences one that you know and one that you are not aware off but is present.

1: Me as I stand now -- 4 of coins - Advarice. Material sucesss tainted with greed.

2: My recent past (last few weeks) -- 14 Temperance - Balance. Harmony. A life with all the necessary inggredients in the right mix.

3: My immediate future -- King of Cups (inverted) - Someone who's talents are washed out by his/her emotional excesses. she/he could be great but dwells incessantly on her/his emotions.

4: What I know -- The Fool -- A radical new course in life.

5: What I don't know -- Nine of Cups (inverted) -- You could have all that you desire but may lose it by your own actions.

6: What (good) news is on its way. -- Seven of Coins -- A Fortunate finacial gain. A windfall. Money without work.

--
Going into this reading I've become a little frustrated with my fincaial and romantic situation. Mainly that I can't afford to go out with people and drink or eat at restaunts as often as I would like and often have no food at home. Or that I can't afford to buy nice clothes. I have also been upset that I can't find a relationship beyond what I have with M*. Although I'm often conflicted that I have everything that I need and feel like it should be enough to satisfy me and for the last couple of weeks M* has been all I felt I needed.

I've known that I need a change in order to improve things. I've known that for awhile, but I can't' figure out what it might be. I've been working very hard on my art and at learning perspective so that I can use that to make money.

What the King of Cups, and the Nine of Cups seems to be worning me away from seeking emotional support, and from dwelling on my obessive need on finding a man to love me, ect ect. If I keep at what I am soppose to, perhaps I can actually achieve the freedom I want through my art.

Alternatly I could have the love I want, but by sucumbing to my emotional excesses I could loose it...

Lots to think about here.

Men, Sex, and Romance - A hard look at myself

from feast to fammine. OR..not quite. As I read back on my last post.. I suppose I knew that the romance was fleeting. That I had only a weekend or two at most with my new lover and that would be it. Yet, I'm still surpised and hurt when that's all it turns out to be. I torture and abuse myself seeking answers. What could I have done differntly to win his heart? what is it about me that I fail at love so horribly? Is it BC and it's free love? What do I actually want in a relationship?

I've been reading about other avenue's of life for women. Outside of the.. Anglo (a term I'm stealing from a book I've read about english/american/canadian people). That being said.. the Anglo way of life. Love, Marriage, Babbies, Happly Ever After.

If I don't want to be married (an idea that makes me run for the hills), I don't really want to live with a man again, I don't really want to feel beholden to a man and trapped by his inibilities to move, or lack of wanting to go out. I still want to be able to flirt shamlessly and feel that deliousce hunt and chase.

So putting all thouse things together. Do I really want a boyfriend? Why do I feel as if I've failed when I don't entangle a man into a relationship with me that I'm not even sure I want?

Is it society telling me that I want a relationship or I should? Is it my inner scence of ever after? Or is it that I would like security and familiarity in the bedroom only with someone I feel trusts and respects me?

I don't have answers for these questions yet, but putting them down in words helps organize the spinning morass of thoughts in my brain.

Regardless the books I recommend for women who want a pratical look at themselves and how to love in a very tao'ist manner. (Tao-ist to me anyways) is 'What French Women know' by Debra Olliver and the other was "French women don't sleep alone". I hoped to find from these books the answers to my questions. Why am I good enough for love, and escape and pleasure but I don't stand up to the demands of time.

What I've learned is that somewere inside I long for the Ever After. I have unresonable expectations that men should be my best friend, my only friend to pick me up when i'm down, to be..in essance a woman. When they do these things I cease to find them attractive. I blame myself for falling out of love/interst with them.

Instead I need to realize a man is not going to understand me. That it's okay for me to be firy, tempermental, and hell to be a bitch. These things provide an allure instead of a turn off! To not tell them anything, and to charish and enjoy my secret amusements about things that they will never understand and that I don't need to tell them about.

That I shouldn't expect a man to be anything other then a man, and to love the fact that they are men and don't get it. I need to cultivate a circle of women, that I can be close to, but not exclude men from it but use it as a ballance of things..

To flirt shamelessly and to minimize my shopping, to mimize myself to a few good looking and comfortable outfits and be comfortable in my own skin and doing what I want to do.

Salty foods may in fact act as an antidepressant, the brain's way of rewarding us for staving off extinction. And just as with any addiction, the brain doesn't know when to turn it off -- the pleasure centers of your brain get accustomed to the high, demanding more and more. And, just to make things even worse, salt may actually contribute to changing our brain chemistry, so that instead of feeling full after eating, we just keep craving more. Combining it with fat and other elements in junk food is actually thought to be about as addictive as heroin.

Read more: 5 Things You Do Every Day That Are Actually Addictions | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19426_5-things-you-do-every-day-that-are-actually-addictions.html#ixzz1YEKDhgCV

Labour Day Weekend!

yowza what a weekend!!! I have no idea who all reads this, so I'm going to keep some of the details to myself. However there was lots of touching, hand holding and affection that I haven't recived in quite a long time! It was soothing to sleep beside someone again. Too cook a meal and be able to share it with someone. Although I have no idea what will happen with this, instead of obessing about it, I am going to enjoy the weekend for what it was. Fantastic.

Three things that amused me the most was getting another frog for the frog tank. Gumpter now having a friend. I get a female energy from it so I've decided to name her Shebba. She's quite a bit bigger then Gumpter and likes to surprise nudge him. Also I got a light hooked up in the frog tank. I was worried it would be too bright but they really seem to love it.

I can see now why the stuff I read on them says that they like real plants. They crawl amungst the leaves with thier little frog faces turned up towards the light..sitting partly exposed and sunning themselves. Swimming between the stalks and really seeming quite happy.

I saw a really amazeing tank set up at the pet store too. It looked like a river bottom, with long flowy grass plants, and a tree bark style background. There were even bits of twigs/dead leaves floating on the top of the water. I think I'm going to do that with Gumpter and Seba's tank. Maybe adding a few more small rocks and a skull for good mesure though.

Lets see.. what else...what else..

oh yes! Second thing.. I was at Logan's on Sunday for the Hootanany as usual, and I was wearing my red and black hippy sundress. I got a lot of ooow's and awww's and Kim a woman I quite like who i've hung out with a few times grabed my hands during a livily band and I danced!! I never ever dance at a hoot becouse it's not really a danceing area. But there I am being spun around and kicking out my feet and laughing my fool head off between tables. An the few people we almost run into laugh at us and where really supportive.

After I sat back down I noticed a long haired man come into the bar..and of course I always check out long haired guys, and this one was really cute in his behemoth t-shirt and facial percings. I gave him a bit of a come hither look and ...he actually came over and asked to sit with me! We chatted and he kept looking at my hair..then my boobs..then hair..then boobs with this amazed look...I'm really sure my hair was frizzed out all crazy from being swung around danceing and..earlier in the day.

Richard kept trying to get me to stay and drink later with him, and he probably wanted to..do more then that. But I told him no and came home..couse having just crawld out of bed with someone else..it's a little skanky to go party with another man 3 hours later. I did give my email address to him and told him I would go out sometime this week with him instead.

Also I'm still mulling over how to make money without going to work for an office or somewere that stresses me out big time. IE how to make more cash and do more things I enjoy. I was walking past the compassionate care store, and I thought..I have a love of plants, I have a huge light filled balcony..a love of the herb. Maybe I should look at growing it.. legally. I've conciderd growing a plant before and learning what to do with it, but always that fear of working outside of the law has stoped me. I don't want that phobia around the cornor. But If I got my licence to do it? I think I might really enjoy it!

Also I think I might get my busker licence and find a few events to go to, and do quick pencil portraits of people. Everyone got a real kick out of it when I was in NS, and I really likie doing it.

Both these options don't require my having a lot of start up cash, or getting an education.. The pot plants I think I might go into compassionate care and see if I can apprentice part time with someone..so I can learn what all is involved with weed growing.

This has been a hard week, and yet so far strangely invigorating. It's the fist time I have not taken any medications herbal or otherwise for depression. I'm manageing it on my own..although it's a tad harder as random memories of shame pop into my head..and sometimes they catch me off gaurd and I stop and think about them rather then let them go. But I'm improving ..i'm accepting that I can't change these horrible things I feel like I've done.

I can't change the past, but I can not do it again.

On another note I finally started to paint the fang earrings I bought ages ago. They were white and shiny and didn't really look like tusks..even though the shape was right. So I dug out my shark tooth and useing that as a color guide i've been painting.. I think they look really cool now. They are still thin enough to allow a bit of light to make them glow, but the lines and cracks and yellowy color makes them look really fantastic.

I got to thinking wouldn't it be fantastic if there was a line of Barbarian like jewlery that wasn't so over the top fake looking that it could only be worn on haloween? it's enough to make me concider getting some clay ..I want a small bird skull on a long chain,, with maybe some runic trinkets around it.

home again, home again..jiggy..fucking jig.

what to write, what to write.

I could go on at length about my trip back to nova scotia, but I've reiterated it over and over again latly that I don't feel compelled to talk about it. I had a fantastic time..possibly the  most relaxing and fun time in my entire life. for 2 whole weeks I wasn't stressed about money, men, or lacking someone to hang out with. I disliked the weather for the bulk of it, and realized that I don't miss nova scotia weather at all...

I came back feeling refreshed confident and...strangely.. alone and lonly. Getting off that plane in the Victoria airport and being crowded out away from the luggage carosel by groupings of families and couples..struggling to find a ride back into the city..dragging my 20lb suitcase a 15 min walk from where I managed to get a ride to to home...hefting the 20lb bag up 2 flights of stairs at 1am, tired, hungry, and pissed off.. to eat a peice of stale bread and sleep on a broken 20.00 airmatress...

The self confidence and sence that I am gorgouse and powerful and the world is my osyeter lasted about a week. During that week men looked at me, flirted with me and I had a sence that maybe I could do this..maybe now things will be different.

I'm still hopeing that's the case but it's starting to collapse as the hot guy I was so proud of staging his attention..has..yes..a girlfriend. But it's an open relationship..which..I guess means I'm in luck to be another camp girlfriend. To be a goodtime...not a longtime.  I try to think things will change..nothing is perminate.. but that crushing sense of dispare..that I will one day become that old cat lady spinster. While men who are wonderful and I wish I could be attracted to tell me that i'm smart, intelligent, beautiful and perfect..can't understand why I've been single for 5 years.

It leads me to wonder.. why am I fuckable, but not loveable?

Humor

Ok this is my last one for a bit, I leave for NS tonight, but it's a truth i've been mulling over for a few days.

It has to do with humor and laughter, and the ability to laugh at oneself and the stuff that happens rather then feel sorry for yourself. 

Laughter. When I get angry at life aparently I get very funny. To me I sound horrible..but everyone else laughs. This is becouse  I let loose a stream of bitter angry sarcastic remarks, and I throw in lots of metaphores.. and I probably stomp my feet. I don't really hold back punches but I don't say stuff I'd regret later either. It's not..so much.. wah wah wah..as RAR this sucks! RAR!! I've found if I don't let it out I cry.. and feel worse..so out comes the sarcasem. People laugh. Then usually everyone elses's laughter makes me laugh and I feel better.

I wish I could give an example of my rants but when it's going on, inside i'm horrified and outside words and bitterness just spews out at random. I am not even aware of what I'm saying.. and then it's over.

So what I'm trying to get at is basicly.. find humor in /everything/ even when your pissed off and ranting and angry. It's thrown out there a lot, when life gives you lemmons and all that.. but ..yeah it's good advice.

A blerb from a book i'm reading it's about god and heaven. The protagonist a mennonite girl feeling alive and free in the world and aware when she's 9 years old and how she interperted something someone said to her. I think it has a real wisdom to it.

"someday you'll be gone, you'll be dust, and then even less than dust. Nothing. There's no other place to be. This world is good enough for you because it has to be. Go ahead and love it." (menno was wrong). - A complicated kindness by Miriam Towes

This post is becoming long and rambling and I'm sorry if your reading it and it doesn't seem to have a whole lot of point. I think I started this as a way to express what happens in my day in a way I can remember better and reread better then facebook status...

Anyways some awesome stuff happend to me today. I got up used the washroom and went back to bed, but I couldn't sleep so I turned on the tv..and promtly fell back asleep with the backdrop of the Red Green show in the background. Somehow listening to 'if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy' made me have a long peaceful half awake half asleep state till about 10am.

Then I got packed, got dressed and decided to go on a quest for coffee. I thought I'd check out the nearby coffee shops instead of walking all the way down to work. So I went to Fernwood Coffee but it was really hot in there and small and nowhere to sit. So I went to Arabia Coffee and I orderd a yummy sandwhich and coffee and went and sat outside.

While sitting I saw movement out of the cornor of my eye and there were wrens in the bushes, little birds hoping about, pecking at leaves. Between pages of my book I watched them watch me, and they made me smile.

Then someone decided to spray water off the roof above me, and it was like I was sitting in the sun and it was raining. Instead of being mad I just laughed as the water came down over me, my book, my coffee and my food in drops and then a torrent..and then more drops. I sat under it for a few minutes, moveing to a spot under a sun umbrella, but the man-made downpour contiuned so I headed home. I giggled the rest of the way.

The other two ladies that were sitting outside left all disgusted at the water..but why let it ruin your day... sometimes you just have to laugh.

Not quite right

So latley I've been having a feeling of 'something is not quite right' and of impending doom. The feeling has nothing to do with my trip back to nova scotia, but it's something else. I'm not sure why I see a seperation in this but I feel it quite strongly. The only way I feel it connected is a phobia that the calm won't last till I get to the airport and get off the island... and then I look out at a bright sunny day and up at the sky and I listen to the traffic..and see nothing wrong, but the feeling is still there. Sometimes when I lay in bed I feel the earth shakeing, but it's not. This shakeing feeling has been going on for about 2-3 weeks, but the doom feeling and that there is something wrong with the sunshine has been about two weeks and it's getting stronger.

I'm writing this out in hopes that it helps make the feeling stop rather then make it worce, and maybe a chance to go 'aha! I am psychic' if something does happen... (see i'm not all that enlightended ;) )

The past and footballs

So today I had a short shift, only 4 hours so it was about 8:30 and I found myself with nothing to do and a wish to not return to my room quite so soon. Following the suggestion of a co-worker I went to the market and ended up buying some blueberries, a small head of broccoli and a new plant for my room..it all came to $4.00 so I was feeling proud of myself..which is probably why I had the confidence to ask these three guys tossing a football for a chance to throw.

Now I haven't played football since I was 9 or 10..possibly 12 at the latest, but I guess it's like riding a bike you don't forget. I felt pretty good when I didn't throw like a girl or squeel like an idiot when he tossed it back and they looked a little surpised when I knew the proper way to catch a spinning football, and my throw was sure and strong and went right to him. 

When I started walking the rest of the way home.. I got to thinking I shit on my stepfather a lot, about how he was mentally and emotionaly abusive and a drug addict.. but maybe he wasn't all bad. He did teach me to throw a baseball like a boy, how to hit a baseball and have it go where I want... and how to throw and catch a football.  Something I'm still proud of today.

Now ..if I could find someone to throw a ball around with regularly I think I would really like that. I think I like that more then I like sitting passivly in the grass..or reading outside.

surrender yourself

The facts;

I'm 31 years old, I live in a room not much bigger then the pantry I grew up in and hated, I work at a minimum wage job that barely pays the bills and I have no real education. I have no boyfriend and no kids. An no real oppertunties for anything else.

Sound depressing doesn't it? It is when you concider it from this cultures materialistic procreative society. But...you know..it's not. Not really.  I have all the things that matter to me...and  I am happy.

I have a library card, and access to all the books on art, design..and stories I could want. I can sit for hours looking at pictures or come home and curl up with a story. I value knowledge and information.

The tiny room I live in has a balcony and lots of natural light. Allowing me to enjoy the sun, wind and rain in comfort and to some mesure of privacy. I can grow plants..and I value green growing things and natural light.

My dead end min wage job pays me enough to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. I don't have a lot of money for extra's but I manage if I shop right and take care of the things that I have. It allows me to have free time and I've met and contiune to meet some really interesting people. There is stress, but it's not a lingering stress and it's physical enough that I feel good..rather then sitting at a desk or answering a phone.  I value the free time to be creative, lack of stress, and the demands of physical activity.

When you do what you are ment to do, and what brings you and the child within pleasure, the rest will happen if and as it is  ment to. The words that come to my mind as a TRUTH is  'surrender yourself onto god'. It's a full and complete surrender. It's a hard place to get to.. and when you forget sometimes and grasp at THINGS and not stop to listen.. HE will knock you down and batter you around until you surrender again, and stop and listen. The universe is not gentle..it doesn't make it's blows gentle by any means..

So you can rage and shake your fist...but you can't change it. So surrender to it..and experince the love and pleasure of the things you value..rather then what you think you need.

Contemplations

So I've started this as a journal, or a diary. Who knows if i'll stick with it though.. I'd like to think I will. I've always had an optomistic personality.

Anyways, I guess I'll start by talking about last night. I was at work and R came in. She invited me to hang out with her .. anyways one thing led to another and we're sitting on a picknick table in the middle of a field at 11pm at night. Drinking beer out of a coffee travel mug and she's asking for how I am so free.

Free mentally, and physically.. I had to stop and think about this for awhile. I don't see myself as free. I've actually always sort of seen freedom as a myth. But as she explained further about what she ment by free I could see what she was trying to express, and free did sort of seem like the only word in the language for it. She asked me to teach her.

I  started to really think about.. well about how people seem to always ask me if i'm a singer..that I  have that sort of presence, and random people, and people who've talked to me seem to think i'm magical. I've no idea why this happens or what makes me so differnt.. but since I was asked last night I thought I might as well try to express some of the TRUTH's I've learned..

The first biggest thing I've come to learn, is that.. I am the center of my own universe. It used to be a joke..and sometimes it was yelled at me in anger by other people... That I only ever think about myself.. I suppose it's not really a great trait..but there it is. The world does indeed revolve around me, and only me.

Except, There is a logic to this though.. I can only experince the world through my eyes, my senses and my experinces. I can read, empathise and imagine what it's like for someone else ..but ALL of that is filterd through MY brain and MY thoughts.. which means.. I am still the center of it all. The maker of my own universe.

Which leads me to the second TRUTH. I am NOT the center of someone elses universe. They are not always thinking about me, knowing what I want, or even sitting around waiting on me. They probablby won't notice if I wear the same outfit twice, talk to myself or even am having a bad day. To them I may be a random blip like they are in my universe.

Thus do not expect, rely or demand anything from anyone and expect to get it. It just leads to dissapointment, and really is a waste of mental resources I could be spending on me. That said if they do come through with it, invite me somewere or want to be with me..well then..ITS AWESOME!!

The next TRUTH is sort of new to me, and I forget about it sometimes and that makes me depressed, but I'm finding it's getting easier to accept and just ..you know.. let it be. Yesterday happend yesterday. I can't go back and fix it. I can't change it. I can't make the bad things not happen, and I can't change how I reacted to it. That's fact. So..sitting up at night..thinking about it..stressing about it..replaying the mean things in my head over and over again. Being like.. Well if I said this! I should have said that!! well..what does that acomplish? Nothing other then a panic attack and misery. So..why do it? This goes for talking about it. It still brings up the pain, and the emotions that acompanies the memories.

I'm not saying that the things experinced shouldn't be thought about at all, or taking it like a doormat is right. But STOP obessing about it. Going over it over and over again ..doesn't acomplish anything but create misery. You can say, That wasn't right and I didn't like that. I don't want to experince that again..and this is how I'm going to make sure it doesn't by changeing my behaviour..or if i'm ever it that situation again I should do this..and not that. But rehashing the feelings and all that..isn't needed. So don't do it.

Let the little stuff go. Someone forgot to flush the toilet? so what..some idiot cut you off in trafic or treated you like a retard? well..it all goes back to the center of the universe truth. While your obessing and crying over something trivial someone said or did..they probably didn't think twice about it. Your not the center of their universe. So just let it go, or if you feel strongly about it. Tell them!

That's the hard one for me. Telling someone ...but you know what? it works.. I used to avoid people rather then tell them anything..I was afraid of how they would react..i'd obess about their negitive reactions until I worked myself up into a terror and....the only way to deal with it was for it to not happen. But I did say 'hey I don't feel like talking...hanging out..ect ect' and wow..totally not the reactions I anticipated. Usually the person said 'no problem' especially if I said..how about we do this on a differnt day, or give me a bit to wake up..or blah blah..whatever..but the fact of the matter is.. they didn't yell or scream or even get mad at me. They actually respected me more, and we both felt better..rather then my avoiding them.

Which leads me into the last TRUTH I want to go into in this ..slowly becomeing huge post. The Future hasn't happend, and will never happen..that's why it's the FUTURE. .. so if you can't change the past..you can't predict the future. No amount of mental simulations of 'what might happen' 'the world will end, senario's will actually make a differnence when your actually there going through it.  So go, experince it and let it happen and experince it while it's happening and keep any preconceptions, judgements and whatever out of it.

Ok that's it for now.