The facts;
I'm 31 years old, I live in a room not much bigger then the pantry I grew up in and hated, I work at a minimum wage job that barely pays the bills and I have no real education. I have no boyfriend and no kids. An no real oppertunties for anything else.
Sound depressing doesn't it? It is when you concider it from this cultures materialistic procreative society. But...you know..it's not. Not really. I have all the things that matter to me...and I am happy.
I have a library card, and access to all the books on art, design..and stories I could want. I can sit for hours looking at pictures or come home and curl up with a story. I value knowledge and information.
The tiny room I live in has a balcony and lots of natural light. Allowing me to enjoy the sun, wind and rain in comfort and to some mesure of privacy. I can grow plants..and I value green growing things and natural light.
My dead end min wage job pays me enough to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. I don't have a lot of money for extra's but I manage if I shop right and take care of the things that I have. It allows me to have free time and I've met and contiune to meet some really interesting people. There is stress, but it's not a lingering stress and it's physical enough that I feel good..rather then sitting at a desk or answering a phone. I value the free time to be creative, lack of stress, and the demands of physical activity.
When you do what you are ment to do, and what brings you and the child within pleasure, the rest will happen if and as it is ment to. The words that come to my mind as a TRUTH is 'surrender yourself onto god'. It's a full and complete surrender. It's a hard place to get to.. and when you forget sometimes and grasp at THINGS and not stop to listen.. HE will knock you down and batter you around until you surrender again, and stop and listen. The universe is not gentle..it doesn't make it's blows gentle by any means..
So you can rage and shake your fist...but you can't change it. So surrender to it..and experince the love and pleasure of the things you value..rather then what you think you need.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Contemplations
So I've started this as a journal, or a diary. Who knows if i'll stick with it though.. I'd like to think I will. I've always had an optomistic personality.
Anyways, I guess I'll start by talking about last night. I was at work and R came in. She invited me to hang out with her .. anyways one thing led to another and we're sitting on a picknick table in the middle of a field at 11pm at night. Drinking beer out of a coffee travel mug and she's asking for how I am so free.
Free mentally, and physically.. I had to stop and think about this for awhile. I don't see myself as free. I've actually always sort of seen freedom as a myth. But as she explained further about what she ment by free I could see what she was trying to express, and free did sort of seem like the only word in the language for it. She asked me to teach her.
I started to really think about.. well about how people seem to always ask me if i'm a singer..that I have that sort of presence, and random people, and people who've talked to me seem to think i'm magical. I've no idea why this happens or what makes me so differnt.. but since I was asked last night I thought I might as well try to express some of the TRUTH's I've learned..
The first biggest thing I've come to learn, is that.. I am the center of my own universe. It used to be a joke..and sometimes it was yelled at me in anger by other people... That I only ever think about myself.. I suppose it's not really a great trait..but there it is. The world does indeed revolve around me, and only me.
Except, There is a logic to this though.. I can only experince the world through my eyes, my senses and my experinces. I can read, empathise and imagine what it's like for someone else ..but ALL of that is filterd through MY brain and MY thoughts.. which means.. I am still the center of it all. The maker of my own universe.
Which leads me to the second TRUTH. I am NOT the center of someone elses universe. They are not always thinking about me, knowing what I want, or even sitting around waiting on me. They probablby won't notice if I wear the same outfit twice, talk to myself or even am having a bad day. To them I may be a random blip like they are in my universe.
Thus do not expect, rely or demand anything from anyone and expect to get it. It just leads to dissapointment, and really is a waste of mental resources I could be spending on me. That said if they do come through with it, invite me somewere or want to be with me..well then..ITS AWESOME!!
The next TRUTH is sort of new to me, and I forget about it sometimes and that makes me depressed, but I'm finding it's getting easier to accept and just ..you know.. let it be. Yesterday happend yesterday. I can't go back and fix it. I can't change it. I can't make the bad things not happen, and I can't change how I reacted to it. That's fact. So..sitting up at night..thinking about it..stressing about it..replaying the mean things in my head over and over again. Being like.. Well if I said this! I should have said that!! well..what does that acomplish? Nothing other then a panic attack and misery. So..why do it? This goes for talking about it. It still brings up the pain, and the emotions that acompanies the memories.
I'm not saying that the things experinced shouldn't be thought about at all, or taking it like a doormat is right. But STOP obessing about it. Going over it over and over again ..doesn't acomplish anything but create misery. You can say, That wasn't right and I didn't like that. I don't want to experince that again..and this is how I'm going to make sure it doesn't by changeing my behaviour..or if i'm ever it that situation again I should do this..and not that. But rehashing the feelings and all that..isn't needed. So don't do it.
Let the little stuff go. Someone forgot to flush the toilet? so what..some idiot cut you off in trafic or treated you like a retard? well..it all goes back to the center of the universe truth. While your obessing and crying over something trivial someone said or did..they probably didn't think twice about it. Your not the center of their universe. So just let it go, or if you feel strongly about it. Tell them!
That's the hard one for me. Telling someone ...but you know what? it works.. I used to avoid people rather then tell them anything..I was afraid of how they would react..i'd obess about their negitive reactions until I worked myself up into a terror and....the only way to deal with it was for it to not happen. But I did say 'hey I don't feel like talking...hanging out..ect ect' and wow..totally not the reactions I anticipated. Usually the person said 'no problem' especially if I said..how about we do this on a differnt day, or give me a bit to wake up..or blah blah..whatever..but the fact of the matter is.. they didn't yell or scream or even get mad at me. They actually respected me more, and we both felt better..rather then my avoiding them.
Which leads me into the last TRUTH I want to go into in this ..slowly becomeing huge post. The Future hasn't happend, and will never happen..that's why it's the FUTURE. .. so if you can't change the past..you can't predict the future. No amount of mental simulations of 'what might happen' 'the world will end, senario's will actually make a differnence when your actually there going through it. So go, experince it and let it happen and experince it while it's happening and keep any preconceptions, judgements and whatever out of it.
Ok that's it for now.
Anyways, I guess I'll start by talking about last night. I was at work and R came in. She invited me to hang out with her .. anyways one thing led to another and we're sitting on a picknick table in the middle of a field at 11pm at night. Drinking beer out of a coffee travel mug and she's asking for how I am so free.
Free mentally, and physically.. I had to stop and think about this for awhile. I don't see myself as free. I've actually always sort of seen freedom as a myth. But as she explained further about what she ment by free I could see what she was trying to express, and free did sort of seem like the only word in the language for it. She asked me to teach her.
I started to really think about.. well about how people seem to always ask me if i'm a singer..that I have that sort of presence, and random people, and people who've talked to me seem to think i'm magical. I've no idea why this happens or what makes me so differnt.. but since I was asked last night I thought I might as well try to express some of the TRUTH's I've learned..
The first biggest thing I've come to learn, is that.. I am the center of my own universe. It used to be a joke..and sometimes it was yelled at me in anger by other people... That I only ever think about myself.. I suppose it's not really a great trait..but there it is. The world does indeed revolve around me, and only me.
Except, There is a logic to this though.. I can only experince the world through my eyes, my senses and my experinces. I can read, empathise and imagine what it's like for someone else ..but ALL of that is filterd through MY brain and MY thoughts.. which means.. I am still the center of it all. The maker of my own universe.
Which leads me to the second TRUTH. I am NOT the center of someone elses universe. They are not always thinking about me, knowing what I want, or even sitting around waiting on me. They probablby won't notice if I wear the same outfit twice, talk to myself or even am having a bad day. To them I may be a random blip like they are in my universe.
Thus do not expect, rely or demand anything from anyone and expect to get it. It just leads to dissapointment, and really is a waste of mental resources I could be spending on me. That said if they do come through with it, invite me somewere or want to be with me..well then..ITS AWESOME!!
The next TRUTH is sort of new to me, and I forget about it sometimes and that makes me depressed, but I'm finding it's getting easier to accept and just ..you know.. let it be. Yesterday happend yesterday. I can't go back and fix it. I can't change it. I can't make the bad things not happen, and I can't change how I reacted to it. That's fact. So..sitting up at night..thinking about it..stressing about it..replaying the mean things in my head over and over again. Being like.. Well if I said this! I should have said that!! well..what does that acomplish? Nothing other then a panic attack and misery. So..why do it? This goes for talking about it. It still brings up the pain, and the emotions that acompanies the memories.
I'm not saying that the things experinced shouldn't be thought about at all, or taking it like a doormat is right. But STOP obessing about it. Going over it over and over again ..doesn't acomplish anything but create misery. You can say, That wasn't right and I didn't like that. I don't want to experince that again..and this is how I'm going to make sure it doesn't by changeing my behaviour..or if i'm ever it that situation again I should do this..and not that. But rehashing the feelings and all that..isn't needed. So don't do it.
Let the little stuff go. Someone forgot to flush the toilet? so what..some idiot cut you off in trafic or treated you like a retard? well..it all goes back to the center of the universe truth. While your obessing and crying over something trivial someone said or did..they probably didn't think twice about it. Your not the center of their universe. So just let it go, or if you feel strongly about it. Tell them!
That's the hard one for me. Telling someone ...but you know what? it works.. I used to avoid people rather then tell them anything..I was afraid of how they would react..i'd obess about their negitive reactions until I worked myself up into a terror and....the only way to deal with it was for it to not happen. But I did say 'hey I don't feel like talking...hanging out..ect ect' and wow..totally not the reactions I anticipated. Usually the person said 'no problem' especially if I said..how about we do this on a differnt day, or give me a bit to wake up..or blah blah..whatever..but the fact of the matter is.. they didn't yell or scream or even get mad at me. They actually respected me more, and we both felt better..rather then my avoiding them.
Which leads me into the last TRUTH I want to go into in this ..slowly becomeing huge post. The Future hasn't happend, and will never happen..that's why it's the FUTURE. .. so if you can't change the past..you can't predict the future. No amount of mental simulations of 'what might happen' 'the world will end, senario's will actually make a differnence when your actually there going through it. So go, experince it and let it happen and experince it while it's happening and keep any preconceptions, judgements and whatever out of it.
Ok that's it for now.
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