Been struggling for awhile now, on decideing what kind of art I wanted for my walls. I thought maybe I wanted floral prints or dried flowers or something along thouse lines, but they are fairly hard to find, and for me to do it correct I think I need a good press, which is money I don't have. Besides, It didn't quite express 'me' as I felt I should be expressed. Today I opened my christmas gifts.. as it is Solstice and all, and I got a giant book on artist anatomy. It's all the gourgouse soft sketchwork of half finished figures. I think photocopies of some of this art is what I should use. I always find nice frames in thrift stores but never art that I like so it shouldn't be too hard to frame it.
I'm also pretty excited becouse I have a love interest again, and although my hair needs a trim and a colour badly I'm mastering the vintage styles that I love so much and the eyeliner that I used to struggle so hard to get right is really quite simple now that I've got enough pratice. I expect the pin curls will eventually become easy as well.
Now that I really have a sense of what I like and don't like i'm finding everything is starting to fall into place. I have some really preciouse decorative tins, floral and faux fur pillow cases, and with a few good pays under my belt, I should even have a very cute fishy tank for my frog who Is very happy with his warm water.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Monday, 12 December 2011
Tarrot
Last weeks reading was so horrible I didn't even want to post it. Most of it was accurate though so lets hope this next one is as well.
1) Currnet: 8 of coins - Honoest labour. Making money the hard way, but in no great quantity. (Tim Hortons much?)
2) Past: Ace of Coins - Money and wealth. financial gain. a project that will pay off in a big way. Prosperity. A secure position within the world
3)Future: 8 of Swords (inverted) - Trechery from an unexpected quarter. Great Danger.
4)What I know: the Hermit (inverted) --cynicism. bitterness. loneliness. inability to live amongst others. (excatlly how I feel)
5)What I don't know: Wheel of Fortune 10 -- Good fortune. Sheer luck enters into your life. A temporary gain. An opportinity which must be ceased now before it slips through your fingers.
6) King of Staves - An intelligent and accomplished man who loves and truely apperciates culture and the good things in life. He is talented, charming and a true friend (may have red or blond hair and blue eyes. Is over 40, typically a father figure or a commanding figure. Is related to creativity and labour and possibly in a blue collar profession.)
1) Currnet: 8 of coins - Honoest labour. Making money the hard way, but in no great quantity. (Tim Hortons much?)
2) Past: Ace of Coins - Money and wealth. financial gain. a project that will pay off in a big way. Prosperity. A secure position within the world
3)Future: 8 of Swords (inverted) - Trechery from an unexpected quarter. Great Danger.
4)What I know: the Hermit (inverted) --cynicism. bitterness. loneliness. inability to live amongst others. (excatlly how I feel)
5)What I don't know: Wheel of Fortune 10 -- Good fortune. Sheer luck enters into your life. A temporary gain. An opportinity which must be ceased now before it slips through your fingers.
6) King of Staves - An intelligent and accomplished man who loves and truely apperciates culture and the good things in life. He is talented, charming and a true friend (may have red or blond hair and blue eyes. Is over 40, typically a father figure or a commanding figure. Is related to creativity and labour and possibly in a blue collar profession.)
Monday, 5 December 2011
The love workshop - Example for me.
Imprinting Negative Expectations
Ariella was a striking and tastefully dressed woman in her late 30’[s who came to me because she was, as she described herself “cursed” when it came to relationships. When I suggested to Ariella that perhaps she was unconsciously manifesting her situations, she balked and waved my suggestion away. She insisted that her circumstances were a result of bad luck, so I sat back and asked her to tell me her story.
Ariella rarely dated, and when she did it was with either unavailable or inappropriate partners. She dated married men who could only give her scraps of time, men who were much younger and immature, or men who needed care taking - chemically dependent, in need of mothering, or trapped in emotional adolescence. Ariella relayed her tales of woe, complaining that fate did not want her to be happy or to find that special someone to love. She ended by declaring, “I guess I’ll just be alone forever.”
I asked Ariella some basic questions about herself, and almost immediately some core truths began to emerge. Ariella worked as a buyer for an upscale clothing boutique, a job that bored her; she stayed there because she didn’t belief she could find a better position. She admitted that for a long time she had wanted to go to design school, but she had never taken the steps to make it happen. She rushed from one obligation to another and made little time for herself. She existed on diet soda, prepackaged food, and a huge amount of coffee, she rarely engaged in any physical activity. In short, Ariella provided little to no nurturing for herself.
Ariella was surprised when I pointed out that the way she treated herself - with neglect, disrespect, and unkindness - was mirroring the way she was being treated by the men in her life. She never had to communicate how little she thought of herself; her self-concept was evident in her behavior. Her partners were simply responding to her message of how she should be treated.
The Belief-Result Cycle
I sensed that Ariella was starting to open up to this concept so I continued. I explained that our internal beliefs have two effects; First they dictate our behavior, and second, they create an expectation in our own minds of how we deserve to be treated. Our behavior projects out to others, becoming the model of how to treat us; our unconscious expectation is transmitted on a more subtle level but with no less impact. Others respond to the model we project and the expectations we transmit the result validates and reinforces our original belief.
In Ariella’s case, the cycle worked like this; Ariella had an unconscious belief about herself (I am not important). That belief dictated her behavior (I need not treat myself as special) and her expectation of how she deserved to be treated (I do not deserve or expect to be treated specially). As a result, she was not treated with respect, honor or importance; her original negative belief was validated and reinforced.
As Ariella discovered, the laws of energy and attraction are impossible to circumvent. What you believe about yourself is projected outward into the world and becomes manifested in your relationships. It has been said that when people interview others for jobs, they unconsciously drawn to those who are most like them. In the same way, when you interview for a mate, you are drawn to - and attract - those who treat you the way you treat yourself.
This essential piece of information was the key that unlocked Ariella’s pattern of self-disdain and neglect. It allowed her to see that she needed to start with herself - to develop her own feelings of love and respect for herself before she could expect others to love and respect her.
This is not an easy concept to embrace, since it means accepting responsibility for what happens to you and who you attract into your life.
I AM IMPORTANT!
I need TO treat myself as special
I deserve AND EXPECT to be treated specially
Ariella was a striking and tastefully dressed woman in her late 30’[s who came to me because she was, as she described herself “cursed” when it came to relationships. When I suggested to Ariella that perhaps she was unconsciously manifesting her situations, she balked and waved my suggestion away. She insisted that her circumstances were a result of bad luck, so I sat back and asked her to tell me her story.
Ariella rarely dated, and when she did it was with either unavailable or inappropriate partners. She dated married men who could only give her scraps of time, men who were much younger and immature, or men who needed care taking - chemically dependent, in need of mothering, or trapped in emotional adolescence. Ariella relayed her tales of woe, complaining that fate did not want her to be happy or to find that special someone to love. She ended by declaring, “I guess I’ll just be alone forever.”
I asked Ariella some basic questions about herself, and almost immediately some core truths began to emerge. Ariella worked as a buyer for an upscale clothing boutique, a job that bored her; she stayed there because she didn’t belief she could find a better position. She admitted that for a long time she had wanted to go to design school, but she had never taken the steps to make it happen. She rushed from one obligation to another and made little time for herself. She existed on diet soda, prepackaged food, and a huge amount of coffee, she rarely engaged in any physical activity. In short, Ariella provided little to no nurturing for herself.
Ariella was surprised when I pointed out that the way she treated herself - with neglect, disrespect, and unkindness - was mirroring the way she was being treated by the men in her life. She never had to communicate how little she thought of herself; her self-concept was evident in her behavior. Her partners were simply responding to her message of how she should be treated.
The Belief-Result Cycle
I sensed that Ariella was starting to open up to this concept so I continued. I explained that our internal beliefs have two effects; First they dictate our behavior, and second, they create an expectation in our own minds of how we deserve to be treated. Our behavior projects out to others, becoming the model of how to treat us; our unconscious expectation is transmitted on a more subtle level but with no less impact. Others respond to the model we project and the expectations we transmit the result validates and reinforces our original belief.
In Ariella’s case, the cycle worked like this; Ariella had an unconscious belief about herself (I am not important). That belief dictated her behavior (I need not treat myself as special) and her expectation of how she deserved to be treated (I do not deserve or expect to be treated specially). As a result, she was not treated with respect, honor or importance; her original negative belief was validated and reinforced.
As Ariella discovered, the laws of energy and attraction are impossible to circumvent. What you believe about yourself is projected outward into the world and becomes manifested in your relationships. It has been said that when people interview others for jobs, they unconsciously drawn to those who are most like them. In the same way, when you interview for a mate, you are drawn to - and attract - those who treat you the way you treat yourself.
This essential piece of information was the key that unlocked Ariella’s pattern of self-disdain and neglect. It allowed her to see that she needed to start with herself - to develop her own feelings of love and respect for herself before she could expect others to love and respect her.
This is not an easy concept to embrace, since it means accepting responsibility for what happens to you and who you attract into your life.
I AM IMPORTANT!
I need TO treat myself as special
I deserve AND EXPECT to be treated specially
Sunday, 4 December 2011
The love workshop
The List
Must Have's
1) Someone who is Intellectually stimulatating.
2) Someone who has a good sense of humour
3) Someone who has a good work ethic and is respected in their job.
4) Someone with a strong sense of integrity and core values.
5) A good lover who enjoys sex
Wish List
1) Interest in the Occult and Spirituality
2) Someone who likes to read on a variety of topics, (hopefuly science)
3) Someone with a passion for animals, and nature.
4) Someone who gets along with my friends and who my friends approve of
5) Physically larger then me with nice hair
6) Someone who wants to attend events with me and enjoys a variety of music, and attempts to have a great time whereever we may be.
Knockout Punches
1) Someone who makes fun of my ideas, or belittles my feelings
2) Someone who my family doesn't like or approve of.
3) Someone who I am not physically attracted.
4) Someone who calla in sick to work often
5) Someone heavily over weight
6) Someone with a negitive attitude, or treats others without respect.
When I concider being in a relationship, what reaction comes up?
Fear. Concerns about how long it will last, and a feeling of confinment. I dislike the idea of having to text or phone or respond to texts and phone calls all the time and account for where I've been or what I've been doing.
Am I willing to move beyond my exisiting comfort zone of emotional exploration?
Yes if the above criteria were met.
Do I want to share my time (or space, money, ect.) with someone?
Again my first words are maybe, but being honest with myself.. no not really. Having now done the questions however, I would say yes, if that person met my must haves and some of my wishlist.
Am I willing to make adjustments and concessions?
Yes
Am I prepared to make communicating a priority?
Yes
Must Have's
1) Someone who is Intellectually stimulatating.
2) Someone who has a good sense of humour
3) Someone who has a good work ethic and is respected in their job.
4) Someone with a strong sense of integrity and core values.
5) A good lover who enjoys sex
Wish List
1) Interest in the Occult and Spirituality
2) Someone who likes to read on a variety of topics, (hopefuly science)
3) Someone with a passion for animals, and nature.
4) Someone who gets along with my friends and who my friends approve of
5) Physically larger then me with nice hair
6) Someone who wants to attend events with me and enjoys a variety of music, and attempts to have a great time whereever we may be.
Knockout Punches
1) Someone who makes fun of my ideas, or belittles my feelings
2) Someone who my family doesn't like or approve of.
3) Someone who I am not physically attracted.
4) Someone who calla in sick to work often
5) Someone heavily over weight
6) Someone with a negitive attitude, or treats others without respect.
When I concider being in a relationship, what reaction comes up?
Fear. Concerns about how long it will last, and a feeling of confinment. I dislike the idea of having to text or phone or respond to texts and phone calls all the time and account for where I've been or what I've been doing.
Am I willing to move beyond my exisiting comfort zone of emotional exploration?
Yes if the above criteria were met.
Do I want to share my time (or space, money, ect.) with someone?
Again my first words are maybe, but being honest with myself.. no not really. Having now done the questions however, I would say yes, if that person met my must haves and some of my wishlist.
Am I willing to make adjustments and concessions?
Yes
Am I prepared to make communicating a priority?
Yes
Saturday, 26 November 2011
Bleak with a light at the end of the tunnel?
1. Me as I stand now - Inverted Ace of Coins - A lesser gain, a project that will not be realised to its full extent. An obession with money and material things. The complacency and boredom that accompany finacial security.
2. My recent past (last few weeks) - Inverted 13 - Stagnation. being unable to escape an unsatisfactory situation.
3. My immediate future - Five of Coins - Ruin. Poverty and struggle. Perhaps the loss of a job.
4. What I know - 8 Justice - Justice. A fair reward. Truth, Integrity. Honor. Purity.
5. What I don't know - Inverted Knight of Swords - A man too keen to rush in without thinking the matter through. A bigot. Someone who will not consider the views of others.
Optional Card
6. What (good) news is on its way. - The essence of the suit. Love and happiness overflowing. The beginning of a true love. The true heart. Abundane of happyness. A very fortunate card to draw.
2. My recent past (last few weeks) - Inverted 13 - Stagnation. being unable to escape an unsatisfactory situation.
3. My immediate future - Five of Coins - Ruin. Poverty and struggle. Perhaps the loss of a job.
4. What I know - 8 Justice - Justice. A fair reward. Truth, Integrity. Honor. Purity.
5. What I don't know - Inverted Knight of Swords - A man too keen to rush in without thinking the matter through. A bigot. Someone who will not consider the views of others.
Optional Card
6. What (good) news is on its way. - The essence of the suit. Love and happiness overflowing. The beginning of a true love. The true heart. Abundane of happyness. A very fortunate card to draw.
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Caffine
Day 2 of caffine reduction. Haveing read some disturbing facts about how caffine can cause adrenal fatigue, dark under eye circles and depression. I got to thinking about my depression and when it started. It was after I left George that the breakdown really happend.
I have no illusions that I was happy and healthy prior to that, but I think I may have felt more in control. I had never drank coffee and have never really liked soda. The first time I had coffee I drank an entire pot by myself. My bindge eating and drinking of wine happend around that time. The pain in my knees really became a factor around this time too as I had to quit tim hortons the first time.
Given all this and that yesterday I was having a great day, I didn't really want my morning coffee but the power of ritual and the fear of the headaches.. I went ahead and had a cup of coffee. I drank just over half and then everything felt like it went to shit. I was stressed, cranky, unfocused.
Today I have had half a scoup of caffinated coffee and a full scoup of decaff for my morning ritual. I'm exhusted but unstressed and there is no tightness in my chest. Aside from the exhustion I don't feel so bad.
I have no illusions that I was happy and healthy prior to that, but I think I may have felt more in control. I had never drank coffee and have never really liked soda. The first time I had coffee I drank an entire pot by myself. My bindge eating and drinking of wine happend around that time. The pain in my knees really became a factor around this time too as I had to quit tim hortons the first time.
Given all this and that yesterday I was having a great day, I didn't really want my morning coffee but the power of ritual and the fear of the headaches.. I went ahead and had a cup of coffee. I drank just over half and then everything felt like it went to shit. I was stressed, cranky, unfocused.
Today I have had half a scoup of caffinated coffee and a full scoup of decaff for my morning ritual. I'm exhusted but unstressed and there is no tightness in my chest. Aside from the exhustion I don't feel so bad.
Saturday, 19 November 2011
So I've been doing Tarot readings for myself for the past 2 months, I often don't record them but I think maybe I should.. so here goes..
The Crow: The crow sees your immediate past, where you are now and your immediate future. Its wings show outside influences one that you know and one that you are not aware off but is present.
1: Me as I stand now -- 4 of coins - Advarice. Material sucesss tainted with greed.
2: My recent past (last few weeks) -- 14 Temperance - Balance. Harmony. A life with all the necessary inggredients in the right mix.
3: My immediate future -- King of Cups (inverted) - Someone who's talents are washed out by his/her emotional excesses. she/he could be great but dwells incessantly on her/his emotions.
4: What I know -- The Fool -- A radical new course in life.
5: What I don't know -- Nine of Cups (inverted) -- You could have all that you desire but may lose it by your own actions.
6: What (good) news is on its way. -- Seven of Coins -- A Fortunate finacial gain. A windfall. Money without work.
--
Going into this reading I've become a little frustrated with my fincaial and romantic situation. Mainly that I can't afford to go out with people and drink or eat at restaunts as often as I would like and often have no food at home. Or that I can't afford to buy nice clothes. I have also been upset that I can't find a relationship beyond what I have with M*. Although I'm often conflicted that I have everything that I need and feel like it should be enough to satisfy me and for the last couple of weeks M* has been all I felt I needed.
I've known that I need a change in order to improve things. I've known that for awhile, but I can't' figure out what it might be. I've been working very hard on my art and at learning perspective so that I can use that to make money.
What the King of Cups, and the Nine of Cups seems to be worning me away from seeking emotional support, and from dwelling on my obessive need on finding a man to love me, ect ect. If I keep at what I am soppose to, perhaps I can actually achieve the freedom I want through my art.
Alternatly I could have the love I want, but by sucumbing to my emotional excesses I could loose it...
Lots to think about here.
The Crow: The crow sees your immediate past, where you are now and your immediate future. Its wings show outside influences one that you know and one that you are not aware off but is present.
1: Me as I stand now -- 4 of coins - Advarice. Material sucesss tainted with greed.
2: My recent past (last few weeks) -- 14 Temperance - Balance. Harmony. A life with all the necessary inggredients in the right mix.
3: My immediate future -- King of Cups (inverted) - Someone who's talents are washed out by his/her emotional excesses. she/he could be great but dwells incessantly on her/his emotions.
4: What I know -- The Fool -- A radical new course in life.
5: What I don't know -- Nine of Cups (inverted) -- You could have all that you desire but may lose it by your own actions.
6: What (good) news is on its way. -- Seven of Coins -- A Fortunate finacial gain. A windfall. Money without work.
--
Going into this reading I've become a little frustrated with my fincaial and romantic situation. Mainly that I can't afford to go out with people and drink or eat at restaunts as often as I would like and often have no food at home. Or that I can't afford to buy nice clothes. I have also been upset that I can't find a relationship beyond what I have with M*. Although I'm often conflicted that I have everything that I need and feel like it should be enough to satisfy me and for the last couple of weeks M* has been all I felt I needed.
I've known that I need a change in order to improve things. I've known that for awhile, but I can't' figure out what it might be. I've been working very hard on my art and at learning perspective so that I can use that to make money.
What the King of Cups, and the Nine of Cups seems to be worning me away from seeking emotional support, and from dwelling on my obessive need on finding a man to love me, ect ect. If I keep at what I am soppose to, perhaps I can actually achieve the freedom I want through my art.
Alternatly I could have the love I want, but by sucumbing to my emotional excesses I could loose it...
Lots to think about here.
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