home again, home again..jiggy..fucking jig.

what to write, what to write.

I could go on at length about my trip back to nova scotia, but I've reiterated it over and over again latly that I don't feel compelled to talk about it. I had a fantastic time..possibly the  most relaxing and fun time in my entire life. for 2 whole weeks I wasn't stressed about money, men, or lacking someone to hang out with. I disliked the weather for the bulk of it, and realized that I don't miss nova scotia weather at all...

I came back feeling refreshed confident and...strangely.. alone and lonly. Getting off that plane in the Victoria airport and being crowded out away from the luggage carosel by groupings of families and couples..struggling to find a ride back into the city..dragging my 20lb suitcase a 15 min walk from where I managed to get a ride to to home...hefting the 20lb bag up 2 flights of stairs at 1am, tired, hungry, and pissed off.. to eat a peice of stale bread and sleep on a broken 20.00 airmatress...

The self confidence and sence that I am gorgouse and powerful and the world is my osyeter lasted about a week. During that week men looked at me, flirted with me and I had a sence that maybe I could do this..maybe now things will be different.

I'm still hopeing that's the case but it's starting to collapse as the hot guy I was so proud of staging his attention..has..yes..a girlfriend. But it's an open relationship..which..I guess means I'm in luck to be another camp girlfriend. To be a goodtime...not a longtime.  I try to think things will change..nothing is perminate.. but that crushing sense of dispare..that I will one day become that old cat lady spinster. While men who are wonderful and I wish I could be attracted to tell me that i'm smart, intelligent, beautiful and perfect..can't understand why I've been single for 5 years.

It leads me to wonder.. why am I fuckable, but not loveable?

Humor

Ok this is my last one for a bit, I leave for NS tonight, but it's a truth i've been mulling over for a few days.

It has to do with humor and laughter, and the ability to laugh at oneself and the stuff that happens rather then feel sorry for yourself. 

Laughter. When I get angry at life aparently I get very funny. To me I sound horrible..but everyone else laughs. This is becouse  I let loose a stream of bitter angry sarcastic remarks, and I throw in lots of metaphores.. and I probably stomp my feet. I don't really hold back punches but I don't say stuff I'd regret later either. It's not..so much.. wah wah wah..as RAR this sucks! RAR!! I've found if I don't let it out I cry.. and feel worse..so out comes the sarcasem. People laugh. Then usually everyone elses's laughter makes me laugh and I feel better.

I wish I could give an example of my rants but when it's going on, inside i'm horrified and outside words and bitterness just spews out at random. I am not even aware of what I'm saying.. and then it's over.

So what I'm trying to get at is basicly.. find humor in /everything/ even when your pissed off and ranting and angry. It's thrown out there a lot, when life gives you lemmons and all that.. but ..yeah it's good advice.

A blerb from a book i'm reading it's about god and heaven. The protagonist a mennonite girl feeling alive and free in the world and aware when she's 9 years old and how she interperted something someone said to her. I think it has a real wisdom to it.

"someday you'll be gone, you'll be dust, and then even less than dust. Nothing. There's no other place to be. This world is good enough for you because it has to be. Go ahead and love it." (menno was wrong). - A complicated kindness by Miriam Towes

This post is becoming long and rambling and I'm sorry if your reading it and it doesn't seem to have a whole lot of point. I think I started this as a way to express what happens in my day in a way I can remember better and reread better then facebook status...

Anyways some awesome stuff happend to me today. I got up used the washroom and went back to bed, but I couldn't sleep so I turned on the tv..and promtly fell back asleep with the backdrop of the Red Green show in the background. Somehow listening to 'if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy' made me have a long peaceful half awake half asleep state till about 10am.

Then I got packed, got dressed and decided to go on a quest for coffee. I thought I'd check out the nearby coffee shops instead of walking all the way down to work. So I went to Fernwood Coffee but it was really hot in there and small and nowhere to sit. So I went to Arabia Coffee and I orderd a yummy sandwhich and coffee and went and sat outside.

While sitting I saw movement out of the cornor of my eye and there were wrens in the bushes, little birds hoping about, pecking at leaves. Between pages of my book I watched them watch me, and they made me smile.

Then someone decided to spray water off the roof above me, and it was like I was sitting in the sun and it was raining. Instead of being mad I just laughed as the water came down over me, my book, my coffee and my food in drops and then a torrent..and then more drops. I sat under it for a few minutes, moveing to a spot under a sun umbrella, but the man-made downpour contiuned so I headed home. I giggled the rest of the way.

The other two ladies that were sitting outside left all disgusted at the water..but why let it ruin your day... sometimes you just have to laugh.

Not quite right

So latley I've been having a feeling of 'something is not quite right' and of impending doom. The feeling has nothing to do with my trip back to nova scotia, but it's something else. I'm not sure why I see a seperation in this but I feel it quite strongly. The only way I feel it connected is a phobia that the calm won't last till I get to the airport and get off the island... and then I look out at a bright sunny day and up at the sky and I listen to the traffic..and see nothing wrong, but the feeling is still there. Sometimes when I lay in bed I feel the earth shakeing, but it's not. This shakeing feeling has been going on for about 2-3 weeks, but the doom feeling and that there is something wrong with the sunshine has been about two weeks and it's getting stronger.

I'm writing this out in hopes that it helps make the feeling stop rather then make it worce, and maybe a chance to go 'aha! I am psychic' if something does happen... (see i'm not all that enlightended ;) )

The past and footballs

So today I had a short shift, only 4 hours so it was about 8:30 and I found myself with nothing to do and a wish to not return to my room quite so soon. Following the suggestion of a co-worker I went to the market and ended up buying some blueberries, a small head of broccoli and a new plant for my room..it all came to $4.00 so I was feeling proud of myself..which is probably why I had the confidence to ask these three guys tossing a football for a chance to throw.

Now I haven't played football since I was 9 or 10..possibly 12 at the latest, but I guess it's like riding a bike you don't forget. I felt pretty good when I didn't throw like a girl or squeel like an idiot when he tossed it back and they looked a little surpised when I knew the proper way to catch a spinning football, and my throw was sure and strong and went right to him. 

When I started walking the rest of the way home.. I got to thinking I shit on my stepfather a lot, about how he was mentally and emotionaly abusive and a drug addict.. but maybe he wasn't all bad. He did teach me to throw a baseball like a boy, how to hit a baseball and have it go where I want... and how to throw and catch a football.  Something I'm still proud of today.

Now ..if I could find someone to throw a ball around with regularly I think I would really like that. I think I like that more then I like sitting passivly in the grass..or reading outside.