what to write, what to write.
I could go on at length about my trip back to nova scotia, but I've reiterated it over and over again latly that I don't feel compelled to talk about it. I had a fantastic time..possibly the most relaxing and fun time in my entire life. for 2 whole weeks I wasn't stressed about money, men, or lacking someone to hang out with. I disliked the weather for the bulk of it, and realized that I don't miss nova scotia weather at all...
I came back feeling refreshed confident and...strangely.. alone and lonly. Getting off that plane in the Victoria airport and being crowded out away from the luggage carosel by groupings of families and couples..struggling to find a ride back into the city..dragging my 20lb suitcase a 15 min walk from where I managed to get a ride to to home...hefting the 20lb bag up 2 flights of stairs at 1am, tired, hungry, and pissed off.. to eat a peice of stale bread and sleep on a broken 20.00 airmatress...
The self confidence and sence that I am gorgouse and powerful and the world is my osyeter lasted about a week. During that week men looked at me, flirted with me and I had a sence that maybe I could do this..maybe now things will be different.
I'm still hopeing that's the case but it's starting to collapse as the hot guy I was so proud of staging his attention..has..yes..a girlfriend. But it's an open relationship..which..I guess means I'm in luck to be another camp girlfriend. To be a goodtime...not a longtime. I try to think things will change..nothing is perminate.. but that crushing sense of dispare..that I will one day become that old cat lady spinster. While men who are wonderful and I wish I could be attracted to tell me that i'm smart, intelligent, beautiful and perfect..can't understand why I've been single for 5 years.
It leads me to wonder.. why am I fuckable, but not loveable?
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