Imprinting Negative Expectations
Ariella was a striking and tastefully dressed woman in her late 30’[s who came to me because she was, as she described herself “cursed” when it came to relationships. When I suggested to Ariella that perhaps she was unconsciously manifesting her situations, she balked and waved my suggestion away. She insisted that her circumstances were a result of bad luck, so I sat back and asked her to tell me her story.
Ariella rarely dated, and when she did it was with either unavailable or inappropriate partners. She dated married men who could only give her scraps of time, men who were much younger and immature, or men who needed care taking - chemically dependent, in need of mothering, or trapped in emotional adolescence. Ariella relayed her tales of woe, complaining that fate did not want her to be happy or to find that special someone to love. She ended by declaring, “I guess I’ll just be alone forever.”
I asked Ariella some basic questions about herself, and almost immediately some core truths began to emerge. Ariella worked as a buyer for an upscale clothing boutique, a job that bored her; she stayed there because she didn’t belief she could find a better position. She admitted that for a long time she had wanted to go to design school, but she had never taken the steps to make it happen. She rushed from one obligation to another and made little time for herself. She existed on diet soda, prepackaged food, and a huge amount of coffee, she rarely engaged in any physical activity. In short, Ariella provided little to no nurturing for herself.
Ariella was surprised when I pointed out that the way she treated herself - with neglect, disrespect, and unkindness - was mirroring the way she was being treated by the men in her life. She never had to communicate how little she thought of herself; her self-concept was evident in her behavior. Her partners were simply responding to her message of how she should be treated.
The Belief-Result Cycle
I sensed that Ariella was starting to open up to this concept so I continued. I explained that our internal beliefs have two effects; First they dictate our behavior, and second, they create an expectation in our own minds of how we deserve to be treated. Our behavior projects out to others, becoming the model of how to treat us; our unconscious expectation is transmitted on a more subtle level but with no less impact. Others respond to the model we project and the expectations we transmit the result validates and reinforces our original belief.
In Ariella’s case, the cycle worked like this; Ariella had an unconscious belief about herself (I am not important). That belief dictated her behavior (I need not treat myself as special) and her expectation of how she deserved to be treated (I do not deserve or expect to be treated specially). As a result, she was not treated with respect, honor or importance; her original negative belief was validated and reinforced.
As Ariella discovered, the laws of energy and attraction are impossible to circumvent. What you believe about yourself is projected outward into the world and becomes manifested in your relationships. It has been said that when people interview others for jobs, they unconsciously drawn to those who are most like them. In the same way, when you interview for a mate, you are drawn to - and attract - those who treat you the way you treat yourself.
This essential piece of information was the key that unlocked Ariella’s pattern of self-disdain and neglect. It allowed her to see that she needed to start with herself - to develop her own feelings of love and respect for herself before she could expect others to love and respect her.
This is not an easy concept to embrace, since it means accepting responsibility for what happens to you and who you attract into your life.
I AM IMPORTANT!
I need TO treat myself as special
I deserve AND EXPECT to be treated specially
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