from feast to fammine. OR..not quite. As I read back on my last post.. I suppose I knew that the romance was fleeting. That I had only a weekend or two at most with my new lover and that would be it. Yet, I'm still surpised and hurt when that's all it turns out to be. I torture and abuse myself seeking answers. What could I have done differntly to win his heart? what is it about me that I fail at love so horribly? Is it BC and it's free love? What do I actually want in a relationship?
I've been reading about other avenue's of life for women. Outside of the.. Anglo (a term I'm stealing from a book I've read about english/american/canadian people). That being said.. the Anglo way of life. Love, Marriage, Babbies, Happly Ever After.
If I don't want to be married (an idea that makes me run for the hills), I don't really want to live with a man again, I don't really want to feel beholden to a man and trapped by his inibilities to move, or lack of wanting to go out. I still want to be able to flirt shamlessly and feel that deliousce hunt and chase.
So putting all thouse things together. Do I really want a boyfriend? Why do I feel as if I've failed when I don't entangle a man into a relationship with me that I'm not even sure I want?
Is it society telling me that I want a relationship or I should? Is it my inner scence of ever after? Or is it that I would like security and familiarity in the bedroom only with someone I feel trusts and respects me?
I don't have answers for these questions yet, but putting them down in words helps organize the spinning morass of thoughts in my brain.
Regardless the books I recommend for women who want a pratical look at themselves and how to love in a very tao'ist manner. (Tao-ist to me anyways) is 'What French Women know' by Debra Olliver and the other was "French women don't sleep alone". I hoped to find from these books the answers to my questions. Why am I good enough for love, and escape and pleasure but I don't stand up to the demands of time.
What I've learned is that somewere inside I long for the Ever After. I have unresonable expectations that men should be my best friend, my only friend to pick me up when i'm down, to be..in essance a woman. When they do these things I cease to find them attractive. I blame myself for falling out of love/interst with them.
Instead I need to realize a man is not going to understand me. That it's okay for me to be firy, tempermental, and hell to be a bitch. These things provide an allure instead of a turn off! To not tell them anything, and to charish and enjoy my secret amusements about things that they will never understand and that I don't need to tell them about.
That I shouldn't expect a man to be anything other then a man, and to love the fact that they are men and don't get it. I need to cultivate a circle of women, that I can be close to, but not exclude men from it but use it as a ballance of things..
To flirt shamelessly and to minimize my shopping, to mimize myself to a few good looking and comfortable outfits and be comfortable in my own skin and doing what I want to do.
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